By Daniel Collett
Do you ever lie awake at night obsessing over not being able to get through to someone? Despite all of your great wisdom, experience, and eloquence, is your message just not heard? Do repeated attempts to connect with your audience fall on deaf ears or even make matters worse?
Have you ever stopped to realize that it may not be them, but you?
The reality—most of our communication activities are triggered responses based on how messages are delivered to us. For example, notice how the communication styles of particular people impacts you. A whinny voice, a rolling of the eyes, constant interruption, a belittling tone, or an I’m-smarter-than-you attitude. These types of frustrations can each lead to the first step in miscommunication.
When we feel comfortable, at ease, and not threatened, our communication ability is adaptable and flexible, allowing us to be more tolerant of the unique communication quirks and styles of others. When we are distressed, however, our communication ability becomes severely compromised and we often assume a defense posture to protect ourselves from vulnerability. Often, this defense mechanism is visible through anger, attack, judgment, dismissal, lecture, withdrawal, sarcasm, and perhaps even complete shutdown. These examples demonstrate communication, but it is not effective. In these situations, it helps to consider what kind of response you hope to achieve. Who will respond positively to any of these behaviors? It’s a significant reason why “you’re chopping, but no chips are flying.”
Research indicates that as much as 80% of our communication impact is based upon our tone of voice, posture, gestures, and facial expressions. Therefore as little as 20% of our communication effectiveness is due to the right word choice. Think of the last argument or disgruntlement you had with another person. Was it their choice of words that annoyed or triggered you? Or, was it a combination of their tone of voice, posture, gestures, and facial expressions that accompanied the words? It’s amazing how a simple rolling of the eyes can trigger a monumental breakdown in communication. Do you recall the last time your teenager rolled his or her eyes at you while you were eloquently sharing your views on an important principle or belief? Get the idea?
Communication is a rich blend of each of our available faculties: words, tone, posture, gestures, and facial expressions. These faculties contribute to our personalities and become naturally incorporated into conveying the message we intend. Understand, but also to assess, is a key component in this process as a Conscious Leader ( http://www.ssca.com/services/conscious-leadership.) This comprehension arms you with the skills necessary to effectively communicate with awareness (“consciously”) and improve conditions that invite others into dialogue, creativity, problem solving, and, yes, to listen.
An edit to a well known phrase illustrates the point: “I can’t hear you. Your words, tone, gestures, and facial expressions are too loud.”